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doedoe03
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Name: ann
Birthday: 4/30/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: jesus, lover of my soul :); reading; being a nerd; making life into a musical with my off-tune singing; getting inspired by every other thing in life and thus overloading my plate; being spontaneous; befriending anyone and everyone; long deep conversations
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  doedoe03
Member Since:
8/28/2005
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| it looks like no one blogs on xanga anymore. i cant criticize. its been months since i blogged. not bc i dont love to blog. but bc ive been on processing overload in this past year with my own therapy, professional formation group (i.e. group therapy), discipleship time with my mentor, and friends who are all psychologists.
this world religions class im taking right now is interesting. i zone out most of the time and only snap back to copy down notes from his powerpoint. i think im just tired of grad school work right now. but my favorite time of the daily 4 hour class is the last hour where we have small group discussions and then we come back to the larger group and talk more. jeff and adam are both in my group and ive loved hearing their insights. the professor always ties our class into practical applications to missions and interfaith dialogue and has some very pithy quotes. i wish i took notes on it today bc he was on a roll. here's a few:
"missions is not geographical, but theological."
"arguments do not WIN people."
"apologetics are for Christians." --in that these deeper debates about theological issues aren't the reason that's going to bring people to God. they are "family secrets" that are sorted out after a person becomes a believer, as they go deeper into the faith.
"when a cow grazes in a meadow, it first nibbles across the top of the field to get a taste. only when the hunger returns, will it eat deeper towards its roots" --in regards to how we make sweeping general conclusions about various religions, bc we only nibble at the top, and how a lot of the fundamental principles of each religion are deeper and need to be explored, and will not be until truly motivated by spiritual hunger.
im learning a lot about the necessity of developing deep relationships in order to really do effective evangelism. im learning about the necessity of having a deep understanding of other faiths before engaging with people of their faiths, bc without such foundation i may end up being disrespectful and ignorant. and at the end of the day, what is going to bring another person to Christ, is love and relationships and showing them the freedom and foundation that can be found only in Jesus alone. im not proposing that you don't use words in the process and don't dialogue. im just learning that, the mode of evangelism that i did throughout the last decade with campus crusade, of going up to random people and going through a booklet with them, can be sometimes simplistic and ineffective. the way we do evangelism can often be manipulative. we engage in relationships for the sake of proselytization instead of friendships for the sake of having friendships. both sides often use prooftexting to substantiate claims but often take the substance of what we are actually trying to say out of context. short term missions are often more learning trips for the believer than really at a service for the receiving community. we go to communities of the poor and weak, and offer them Jesus, and while they take it, its often only because it's the first sign of help and care thats been given to them. it's not to speak against serving the needy, but it makes me reconsider why people become believers of religions across the board. that sometimes it has nothing to do with a faith having ultimate Truth, but that the believers actually provide care to the rest of society.
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| today i miss home. with trying to figure out how do i get rides around places without putting in money for a rental car this week, ive started to realize who i am comfortable asking for rides and who i am not, even among my close friends. im so grateful linz is out here. shes been a much needed piece of home that ive needed. i am very much grateful for all my friends out here regardless, and their incredible care.
symptoms of whiplash are starting to emerge and its not too fun. i cant really bend my neck and i have a hard time getting out of bed. starting to get some lower back pains. but it'll be ok i suppose.
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| i am grateful today. just got in a pretty bad car accident earlier tonight. but, it was like a thousand tiny miracles happened at once. just wanted to write an account for it before i forget.
-carrie underwood's jesus take the wheel was on the radio right before the accident. i felt God's presence through the entire event.
-it happened right in front of a collision shop, and the owner was able to come out and facilitate the entire process as i was too shocked to talk. and had barely any idea what to do bc ive never been in an accident before
-am grateful the other guy didnt want to call the police to file a report
-am grateful the collision shop owner was able to call the rental car place right before it closed and convinced them to come so the other guy can have a car to drive back to orange county.
-mike came and picked me up bc linz and christina werent picking up the phone or and danny and chris were about to start class, and he was so reaffirming, as i was just blaming myself for being too stressed out, for should have been more responsible, for not listening to my mom or chris or whoever else enough for not being preventive enough in stress management and it came out in my driving. mike was so reaffirming, saying that since the car was in my blind spot, it could have happened to anyone, it could have happened just as easily if i wasnt stressed, etc. i really, really, needed to hear that.
-am grateful that neither the other guy or i got hurt. it could have been really really bad.
-am grateful that it was right next to the smog test center, where i needed to get the car re-tested and the collision shop can take it there while they're fixing it.
-am grateful that the collision shop actually has amazing reviews from other customers online for doing a good job
-am grateful that i actually had really good car insurance that will take care of the whole thing
-am grateful that im done with my job at children's institute so i dont have to borrow a car to get there
-am grateful for so many friends that were willing to come to sit with me bc i didnt want to be alone. even after a long day of classes and stay late bc i needed someone to sit with to get a lot of work done.
-am grateful that friends would take the time out of their busy schedule to drive me to upcoming events/appts bc i am too scared to borrow a car to drive right now, even in the midst of their busy schedule
-am grateful that this is happening right before i leave for europe, so i wont be needing my car for a while so its ok that its goin to be in the shop for a few wks
am grateful for so many things. am grateful for the presence of God, for his hand over me. i feel so undeserving.
im tired. should go to bed.
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| it's 2:22 in the morning, and my mind has been whirling about 100 miles an hour for about an hr straight. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i have realized a few things about myself this year, and having taken diversity class where the main theme of many readings is about embracing yourself, i think im finally getting to a place where i can recognize who i am and how God made me, and embrace myself. it's actually kind of hard, bc i feel like in my head i have this list of standard of how i think being a christian should be, or being a person who is well rounded and takes care of herself should be, and then i try to force myself to conform to that. and honestly, i dont do all that well with it. bc, its just not me. maybe, its time to just be ok with who i am, and start there, and learn how to connect with God and live life that way.
things that i have realized about myself, and am growing to be ok with myself:
-i perpetually live in the future. endless ideas, possibilities, and sending out a gazillion emails and shooting for things that i think are really out of my reach. sometimes, with things that are REALLY out of my reach, i may send out 20 emails and 3 respond and maybe 1 works out. or maybe i do that year after year and then 1 works out. and it's worth it. and i try to celebrate that 1 that does work out.
-i am an external processor. i need to talk things out. sitting and contemplating does NOTHING for me. no thoughts come to mind, or they stay at a very vague level. i am also learning about emotional regulation this quarter, bc whenever i retell the story, all those emotions get retriggered again, and i feel like such a DRAMA queen. i NEVER want to be a drama queen. but i think i may be one.
-i am a perpetual optimist. maybe that means im in denial on some level, but i think im finally starting to be ok with that.
-i need to plan like months in advance. on the myers briggs profile, i am 19 J and 1 P. and i love it that way.
-i hate cleaning. like the literal process of mopping and spraying things down. i actually like washing dishes, and taking the trash out, and picking things up. but deep cleaning, i dont really like. it wasnt part of my upbringing. but i perpetually feel guilty about that around my roommates. i feel utterly irresponsible.
-i dont get much out of reading the bible and journal by hand. i am utterly undisciplined with daily quiet times. and i always feel like a bad christian. ive always been bad about going to church every sunday since college (not in high school. i went to like 3 church services weekly. and in college, i rarely skipped weekly crusade meetings. but something about church...) and have been really flaky about going to small group this year. ive become one of those really flaky people with church involvement that ive always judged.
-i live by passion. id like to think that my passion doesnt really die out. but i know it does. but its the main driving force in my life.
-apparently i come off intimidating and too strong/aggressive/assertive to people.
-i live by to-do lists, i constantly have like 3 going.
-my friends are so important to me. and i may be slightly enmeshed with a certain bff, and it's ridiculous that i talk to her on the phone for 1.5 hr every other day, being 2000+ miles away. i think our friendship has gotten stronger since i moved. ive also learned, and a VERY hard lesson this yr, to stop calling people best friends too quickly. got burned too many times at fuller. i am limiting a very few people to my core group of ppl, though i feel like my limiting is still more than most people's core :P oh man. i don't know if i am just becoming more mature or becoming defensive and guarded. maybe it's both.
-i wish i am closer with my family. there's a lot of guilt and insecurities around the issue of family for me.
-my room is where i rebel. im so incredibly organized in every part of my life that i go crazy in my room. my roommates judge me sometimes, but i think they still mostly accept me for who i am.
-i cant believe i am about to admit this, but i know i am such a people pleaser. i do hate that phrase though, it has such a negative connotation for me. that feels like someone who has no backbone. but i want everyone to be happy. but am slowly learning that if i try to make everyone happy, then i make no one happy. and also that regardless of how hard i try, someone is always going to find something to complain about. so im going to start making a list of priorities to live by, and try to do those well. and honestly, who cares about everyone else. is that harsh?
-i think i am a bit OCPD. and rather neurotic. there's this force inside of me that gets my blood rushing and i am driven to do things at 100 miles an hr. call it anxiety, passion, neuroticism, excitement, whatever you want. it's there, and it's hard for me to control it. i think its why i am still awake at this moment. that and the 3 hr nap i took from 5-8pm.
-a few of my biggest pet peeves in life, that im actually working through therapy to see how they are part of my [jungian] shadow and why they irritate me so: flaky people, people who turn everything to be about themselves, and ppl who complain but do nothing to help themselves (or do things to actually work against themselves for temporary gratification). i never want to embody any of those characteristics, and have told my friends to slap me or punch me if i do. thats why i have a hard time talking too much or too long about myself (hence comment on drama queen earlier).
-i know i have a tendency to do too much. my friends and family perpetually yell at me about it, in the name of love. but recently ive realized that ive become very frustrated by the process, bc i cant discuss different opportunities that may lay ahead, because even before i open my mouth they tell me: don't do it, embrace your limits, take care of yourself. then in processing it with them, i feel like it comes out as very extrinsically motivated, as if im doing all these things to compensate for not feeling good enough, to be perfectionistic and look like i have it all together, yada yada. when it's not what it's freaking all about! i really could care less about doing things just so people can think im really awesome. it's mostly for my own personal growth and passions. there's just so much i want to learn and improve in, for myself and for God! but then after the convo with friends and family, i just feel guilty for wanting to do said thing, or for then doing it behind their back. and i just feel like the convo is cut short even before it begins bc i just really need to process it with someone. and i absolutely know that they do it to love me and support me. but ive also developed a defense in the last few weeks where ive stopped talking to almost everyone about opportunities that are presented to me. and even if i do, it's only one or two things i might tell each person. the first people i end up telling are often ppl i need to figure out the administrative details of the process. and, i also feel guilty about being presented a number of opportunities sometimes. even if it's bc i have sent out those 20 emails before hand, or it's bc ive worked my butt off for them and actually somewhat deserve it. somehow i still feel guilty.
-i have this thing where i feel always feel guilty and feel like i dont have enough fun in my life. bc i feel like i have to "live authentic to my work (of being a psychologist that preaches the importance of self care)." and so sometimes i feel like i overcomepensate in order to prove to the world and myself that i am not a workaholic. but i do it during very stupid times, like during midterm or finals times when i am the busiest and then get behind. and whenever i do have fun, i feel like it has to be spontaneous and adventurous. that i need to go out and paint the town red and do something really exotic. most of the time i end up staying in and watching a movie. but sometimes im able to convince my friends to do something really cool.
-i want to live my life to be centered on God, everything i do i want to be for his glory, his kingdom, his missions, his people, and his love. i dont want to do it to earn his approval or whatnot, bc i know i dont need to. i just think its the only response for us as Christians. but i also know how far i fall from that, as shown by this very list, though i know that God honors my best effort.
i should stop ranting. just need to release some of this energy and maybe i can get some sleep. ahh. blah. it's like 6am in ohio right now. people are waking up already. whoa. for my friends who have read this list of things and still embrace me and love me, i thank you for it.
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| i am seriously irked right now. one of the girls at small group tonight, asked me in all seriousness, where i am from. i told her ohio. and looked at her questioningly. she elaborated. that apparently, by the way i say "like" and "oh and [this and that]" (slash "oh my gosh"), she thought i sounded like a valley girl. so she wondered what part of the country i am from. i laughed it off, and told the other girls about my experience in college when i was first dubbed a "valley girl."
but inside, im seriously annoyed. not with the girl. but just with myself. i listened to the interview i did with drs. o'donnell, the speaker of the integration symposium and his wife, this weekend as i was writing the article for the SEMI. and i was seriously cringing. i am NEVER going to be taken seriously in the world of academia with my voice. i seriously thought ive gotten better at not saying "like" and "um" as much. but apparently i am wrong.
kadjf;adjflafjda. so annoyed.
im complaining about it right now to drew online. and he's being uber encouraging. he just told me that my abilities will show that im legit, and other professors have overcome their own stigmas, like dr. clements, who is becoming one of the profs that i work closest with at fuller, may sound like a kindergarten teacher, but she's legit. its made me feel a little better. but ugh. seriously. while we joke about it often among my friends, this is something ive mildly struggled with since it first came up in college, and its something i do feel self conscious about. sigh.
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